January has certainly given us our share of stress. I write this at the bedside of my critically ill husband. Yes, you’d think I’d be used to this by now as he has been chronically ill for years and too many hospitalizations to count but this month has been a bit scarier than usual. A week or two into the new year, Mike contracted the flu, due to being sick and sleeping a lot, he didn’t take in enough fluids and became dehydrated, causing his already compromised kidneys to tank. While in the hospital he contracted C-diff which made him even sicker. His lungs were full and he had a constant productive cough. He felt he needed an antibiotic but the hospital staff kept telling him it was viral and he didn’t need an antibiotic. The C-diff cleared up and his kidney numbers returned to a safer level. He was only home for a day and with continued low 02 sats, I brought him back to the ER. He was right, he now was diagnosed with pneumonia. The ER doctor recommended another adm...

  I wrote a post on FB asking for topics to write about, the first one suggested was to write about the use of medical marijuana. Although I will share some things I have found by researching this topic, I will also share my personal opinion. Some people have assumed that I am against using pot either recreationally or for medical purposes because I  personally don’t do either. After living with my spouse who is chronically ill, suffering from a bone disease called Ankylosing Spondylitis, I have seen the effects of traditional prescription drugs (opioids) and marijuana. Full transparency, when my husband and I started dating, he was a recreational pot smoker. We had many disagreements about it in our early years together because I was raising young children. I didn’t want it in our home and I didn’t want him being stoned around them. We came to a compromise, after some time, he didn’t partake in it unless we were without the kids and away from home. Years later my husband got ...

  Yesterday I spent the afternoon with my former in laws, celebrating a post family Christmas. It’s been a long time since I gathered with them for a holiday, the last time Mike and I joined them for Christmas was about 14 years ago. I remember it was the last Christmas I had gone,  Caleb, Molly and Grammy (my former mother in law, Carolyn Bond) were there. Sadly we lost Caleb in 2011, Grammy in 2013 and Molly in 2016. Since Grampa (my former father in law, Walt Sr.) passed away in 2004, I think most years the gathering was held at Kenny & Barb’s house, but after Molly died, they just couldn’t bring themselves to do it any more. Molly was very into all holidays so although they have beautiful memories of what had been, the pain of what is, is just too hard. This year after spending a month during the holidays in Bali, Barb & Kenny decided they wanted to host a post Christmas party at their home.  Just about every year since Walt and I split up, 36 years ago, my fa...

 I wonder why so many people like myself enjoy people watching. Have you ever driven by a house and got a quick glimpse into someone’s home? Do you wonder by the brief picture, who these people are, what they do, are they friendly, strange, crazy, cool? Do they have the same problems or dreams that you do? How about watching people in public. In a store, a concert, a sports event, an emergency room, at work or an airport. Watching others can give you hints of their stories. When you over hear a conversation, do you assume things? How about when a person is on the phone and you can overhear one side of the conversation. What inferences do you make? Human behavior can be quite entertaining. The way people treat others, their posture, body language, gestures and the expressions on their face can tell a lot about their personalities or about the mood they are in. Some people walk casually, appearing to be in deep thought and it makes me wonder what they are thinking about.  A far ...

Not everyone can quite understand the purpose of writing, blogging or journaling. Some people are not comfortable with putting personal business in a blog where others may follow. My niece Barb Higgins started a podcast (A Thousand Tiny Steps)  a few years ago and eventually wrote an incredible book titled “ Motherland ”. Of course when Barb first started the podcast and the FB lives, I watched and listened and still do. Many of the things she has shared have brought up an array of feelings for me such as happiness, sadness, anxiety, irritation, love, anger, amusement, joy, disappointment, empathy, admiration, confusion, nostalgia, surprise and many other feelings. Barb’s sharing has inspired me and given me the confidence to put my feelings on paper or in this case, on line. Some things I am not comfortable sharing yet and may never be. I will probably never do a vlog or podcast because the thought of public speaking causes me an anxiety I don’t usually have. I have always enjoyed...

Being a caretaker to a chronically ill spouse is a role that demands resilience, empathy, and unwavering commitment. However, when my husband is difficult, fighting my efforts of helping him to get well, the emotional burden becomes significantly heavier. The experience of caregiving in such a scenario is overloaded with emotional, psychological, and physical challenges, lately it has led to a profound sense of isolation, emotional and physical exhaustion for me. One of the most significant impacts of caring for a difficult, or ungrateful,  chronically ill spouse is the emotional toll it takes on the caregiver. I feel like I often sacrifice personal time, work, and social interactions to provide constant care and support. When my efforts are met with ingratitude or resentment, it leads to feelings of insignificance and frustration. The lack of appreciation from my husband crumbles my self-esteem, leaving me feeling unseen and unappreciated. This is how I’m feeling at this moment...

  Anyone who reads my blog posts, knows I try to find the positive in every situation. I still can, but some days are harder than others. When I look at all that is going on in the world, especially the California fires and all the other horrible things happening, it puts my problems into perspective. Today however, I am physically and mentally drained and struggling. I am typing this as I am sitting here in the Emergency room waiting room. Mike was discharged from the hospital 2 days ago after a week long stay. In my opinion, they should not have discharged him. It was too soon. When he was discharged, his Oxygen was at 90% but since he has been home, he has not been able to keep it there. For the most part, it has been going back and forth between 80-87 and when he is sleeping, it drops into the 70s.  He feels defeated after already spending the week in the hospital and although he has been told and urged by his PCP, nurses and myself about the dangers of low oxygen, he has ...

  “Do not neglect to do good and to share what you have, for such sacrifices are pleasing to God”. Hebrews 13:16 “Each man should give what he has decided in his heart to give, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver. 2 Corinthians 9:7 “When you give to the needy, do not announce it with trumpets, as the hypocrites do in synagogues and on the streets, to be honored by men. I tell you the truth, they have received their reward in full”. I have written on this subject before but I feel led to again. It amazes me how much a little act of kindness can do so much good. I’m not talking about what it does for the receiver, although I have been on that end more times than I can count and it feels good to know others care and there are still a lot of kindnesses in a world where most of the time only the bad things are talked about. I am talking about being the giver or the good deed doer. I’m not going to share the small act of kindness I did this morning because...

I woke up this morning feeling like a black cloud was hanging over my head. I didn’t want to leave my bed. Every day I wake up and am thankful for another day, even this morning I was, and although I try to make light of situations and try not to be anxious, the burdens on me right now aren’t feeling light, they feel heavy and are weighing on me like sand bags. Although I have been living with and dealing with Mike’s chronic illness for over 20 years, and it has become a way of life. This time feels different, I’m nervous.    At the beginning of last week, he started having cold symptoms which quickly settled into his lungs, followed by a cough and fatigue. He slept the better of two days and despite my urging, refused to eat and drink enough to keep up his strength. He also refused to go to the doctor. By Thursday he finally felt sick enough and was sick enough of my nagging, he went to urgent care. They immediately saw what I did, his extremely pale skin, he looked like deat...