Finding peace in the midst of anxiety.

I woke up this morning feeling like a black cloud was hanging over my head. I didn’t want to leave my bed. Every day I wake up and am thankful for another day, even this morning I was, and although I try to make light of situations and try not to be anxious, the burdens on me right now aren’t feeling light, they feel heavy and are weighing on me like sand bags. Although I have been living with and dealing with Mike’s chronic illness for over 20 years, and it has become a way of life. This time feels different, I’m nervous.  At the beginning of last week, he started having cold symptoms which quickly settled into his lungs, followed by a cough and fatigue. He slept the better of two days and despite my urging, refused to eat and drink enough to keep up his strength. He also refused to go to the doctor. By Thursday he finally felt sick enough and was sick enough of my nagging, he went to urgent care. They immediately saw what I did, his extremely pale skin, he looked like death. They found he was extremely weak and had a blood pressure of 80/54. Needless to say, he was sent by ambulance to the hospital. 

The first 28 hours or so were spent in the ER, where the staff was inundated with sick people and Mike was kind of left unattended. He had labs drawn and the results were not good. He tested positive for the flu but the scarier part was that his Creatinine level was a 5.6 which means his kidneys were failing. He has CKD (Chronic Kidney Disease) and his level usually stays around 3.6, which is also not good, but certainly not as critical. He was dehydrated so the goal was to rehydrate him by IV fluids and reverse the death sentence. Between that and prayer, his numbers are slowly coming down, as of yesterday he was at 4.1. He has since been diagnosed with C diff and is on precautions. He won’t be released until his Creatinine number is closer to 3 than 5, but now with C diff, who knows. It’s day to day. Just another hurdle to get over. 

I woke up feeling discouraged and then I remembered that my Godchild/Niece Hannah gifted me a jar of color coded scriptures to pick from for times of feeling various feelings (Happy, Thankful, Angry, Anxious, Lonely & Sad). I picked green, I was feeling anxious. “Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid.” John 14:27.

This to me is a promise of comfort and security even during the hard times. A peace this world cannot provide. Real peace doesn’t come from circumstances, people, places or things, real peace comes from Jesus. 

In this world, we are always going to have sickness and death, and burdens that can drop us to our knees, but on days like today when discouragement is getting the best of me, and I am dropped to my knees, I will pray while I am there. I remember as John said “I have told you these things, so that in me you will have peace. In the world you will have trouble, but take heart, be courageous, for he (Jesus) has overcome this world.” John 16:33.