The Ties That Bind.

 

Yesterday I spent the afternoon with my former in laws, celebrating a post family Christmas. It’s been a long time since I gathered with them for a holiday, the last time Mike and I joined them for Christmas was about 14 years ago. I remember it was the last Christmas I had gone,  Caleb, Molly and Grammy (my former mother in law, Carolyn Bond) were there. Sadly we lost Caleb in 2011, Grammy in 2013 and Molly in 2016. Since Grampa (my former father in law, Walt Sr.) passed away in 2004, I think most years the gathering was held at Kenny & Barb’s house, but after Molly died, they just couldn’t bring themselves to do it any more. Molly was very into all holidays so although they have beautiful memories of what had been, the pain of what is, is just too hard. This year after spending a month during the holidays in Bali, Barb & Kenny decided they wanted to host a post Christmas party at their home. 

Just about every year since Walt and I split up, 36 years ago, my family and I have been invited. In the early years, there was still a lot of bitterness and tension between Walt & I, so it was just easier to stay away. When the girls were still little, Grammy & Grampa or their father would pick them up for these parties and I chose to stay away. I remained close to my former in laws, I loved them dearly and they were “Grammy & Grampa” to all four of my kids. They even welcomed Mike with opened arms and respected his place in their grandchildren’s lives. When the girls were still young, Walt & Christine got married and had two boys of their own. Mike and I still skipped most of the family parties, mostly due to awkwardness and out of respect for Christine. I wanted her to never feel like she had to live in my shadow. I don’t know that she felt that way, but I know Mike wasn’t always comfortable with Walt in the beginning either. We shared children and neither Mike or Christine had been married before. Christine and I liked each other from the beginning. She was good to my daughters and that’s all that really mattered to me. I think she was instrumental in Walt and I getting over ourselves and becoming better at co-parenting. I think despite the bitterness, Walt and I never hated each other and we finally matured enough and loved our daughters enough to realize we had to let our love for them be bigger than our bitterness toward each other. We both care about each other’s partners and each other’s sons, after all our girls have 4 brothers between all of us. 

After the many years of declining the invitations, Mike and I decided to join them in I believe 2010. My former brother in law who we fondly refer to as “Unkie” and his beautiful wife Aunt Julie and their boys Caleb & Christopher were going to be there, that alone was reason to make the effort. We adore Nathan and his family. Caleb had already been diagnosed with a brain tumor at this point and it turned out to be his last Christmas, as he passed away the following August. I am so grateful that we had joined them that Christmas and that I captured a beautiful picture of cousins Caleb and Molly playing a video game together. Who would’ve known it would be the last one taken of them together. 

This year I decided to join the family again, unfortunately Mike couldn’t join us because he has been sick. I rode up with Jason, Shanoah, Collin & Delaney, which alone was nice to spend the ride with them. I considered staying home with the pending snow storm, but the more I thought about how huge this was for Kenny, Barb and Gracie to host this gathering, supporting them, I felt was important. Shanoah’s willingness to drive also helped my decision.

Although I’ve been to Barb & Kenny’s home several times in recent years, I hadn’t been for a family gathering other than after Molly’s funeral. Although I remember reuniting with many of the family then, it was incredibly sad and not exactly the way anyone ever wants to reunite. Yesterday however was nice, walking in and seeing many familiar faces. I always love seeing Sharon and Jim (Walt’s sister & brother) they both resemble Grampa in different ways and it gives me back a glimpse of him, if only for a minute. I wish Nathan & Connie had been able to be there too. Seeing the siblings together would’ve been nice. I got hugs from many and I felt welcomed.

 The new kitchen was really pretty. It was neat to see and enjoy the beauty of the new cupboards, counter tops and fixtures. It was like walking through the newness of the kitchen and into the living room of the past. The room I sat in many years ago with Grammy, watching Caleb, Christopher, Molly & Gracie play. I didn’t feel sad though, I felt the presence of the past. I sat next to a peacefully, sleeping Jack on my left and as I looked to my right, I saw in my mind’s eye, the couch where Grammy & Caleb sat together so many Christmases ago. Straight across from where I sat next to Jack, in the adjacent room, was the beautiful, pink, Molly tree. That tree is all things Molly and it truly made her presence felt. 

Watching the Yankee Swap brought some laughs. Having some catching up conversations was nice. Seeing my two oldest grandchildren hanging out and having fun with their cousin Jonah reminded me of Caleb, Chris, Gracie & Molly. It was a nice memory and a blessing to see new memories being made.

Traditionally, the majority of people who divorce stay resentful, causing a divide amongst most, if not all of the family members. I am grateful that Walt & I with the help of our supportive spouses have been able to overcome the “norm” and remain a good example for our grown children and now our precious grandchildren. There is just too much anger, hate and negativity in this world and I’d rather spare my grandchildren of that, especially amongst their relatives. 

“Divorce is not the end of a family; it’s a reorganization.” ~Esther Perel