Sleepless Nights

                   


It’s 2:42 in the morning, and here I am wide awake. I’ve been tossing and turning for hours. My stomach is burning and I suspect stress has a lot to do with it. Mike isn’t home tonight, and no matter how tired I am, I never seem to sleep well when he’s away.

 The good news is that his surgery went well. Today he’ll have dialysis, and if the repaired fistula works the way it’s supposed to, he can finally come home. We’ve learned over the past couple of years that even good news comes with a waiting period. We celebrate the victories, but we still hold our breath until the next hurdle is cleared. Yesterday was one of those days that felt like 3 days rolled into one. 

Between jobs, I rushed home to let Oscar out. Unfortunately I was too late. He had already pooped on the floor. I couldn’t even be upset. He’s not used to being alone for that long. I cleaned up the mess, let him outside, gave him some attention, and then rushed back out the door to make it to my own doctor’s appointment. That’s a story for another day. After my appointment, it was back to work. Between all of it, I anxiously waited for the surgeon to call, that call never came. Mike finally texted me at 2:40 to tell me he just got out of surgery (Thanks Doctor…NOT). Then a trip to Walmart to pick up a prescription that wasn’t ready because it needs prior authorization. A wasted trip, but sometimes that’s just how life goes.

Back home again, fed Oscar, let him outside, gave him some hugs and played with his toy, made another batch of his food, took a quick shower, completed Mike’s June dialysis ride calendar, sent texts, made phone calls, posted an update for friends and family who have been praying for Mike. I finally crawled into bed around 10:00 pm, I fell asleep immediately, but per usual, I woke up at 1:00 am and that was the end of my sleep. 

Now I’m laying here, listening to the hum of the ceiling fan, feeling exhausted but unable to rest. In just 2 hours, my alarm will be buzzing. I hate being this tired. I am bone tired. The kind of tired that settles into your body, mind, and heart. This isn’t a complaint, it’s simply my reality in the moment. Even in my exhaustion, I can see God’s hand carrying me through. The truth is, I don’t have enough strength for all of this on my own. If it were up to me, I would have run out (of strength) a long time ago. Yet, somehow each morning I get up. Each day I keep moving forward. Each challenge is met with enough grace to get through it.

Not because I’m strong, but because he (God) is.

So tonight, or rather this morning, I’m praying for sleep. I’m praying that my mind will quiet down, and my stomach will settle. I’m praying that Mike’s dialysis goes smoothly, that his fistula works perfectly, and that he gets to come home.

If sleep doesn’t come before the alarm rings, I’ll, trust that God once again will provide exactly what I need for the day ahead. Maybe not all the strength for tomorrow, but enough strength for today.


“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” ~Matthew 11:28

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