Healing isn’t one size fits all

                       

At some point in life, you realize that no matter what you do, someone will have an opinion about it. If you speak up, you are “too outspoken.” If you stay quiet, you are “cold” or “don’t care.” If you write honestly about your life experiences, people start reading between the lines, trying to figure out if the words are about them. Often the people who become the most upset are the ones who recognize themselves somewhere in the story.

Writing has always been therapeutic for me. My blog is where I process life, pain, disappointment, joy confusion, grief, and growth. It is not written to attack anyone or humiliate anyone. In fact, I usually go out of my way not to use names, genders or identifying details. But even then, some people still become offended because they believe the words are about them, and sometimes, they are.

Does that mean I am supposed to stop writing? Am I supposed to silence myself because someone else is uncomfortable with my truth, my feelings or my experience? At almost 60 years old, I have finally realized that I do not need permission to express myself. I do not need others to approve of how I heal, how I cope or how I process life.

I have also learned that during conflict, some people try to define the “right” way to repair a relationship. Statements like, “if you really wanted to fix this, you wouldn’t write about it in your blog.” Can begin to feel less about healing, and more about control. I understand that not everyone likes being reflected in someone else’s writing, my blog is part of how I process life. Wanting reconciliation should not require me to stop being myself. Real (or healthy) relationships should not be built on one person dictating the terms of communication while the other person quietly suppresses their feelings to keep the peace.

For years I worried too much about upsetting people. I replayed conversations in my head, softened my words, stayed silent when I should have spoken, and carried things privately just to keep the peace. But silence has a cost too. Holding everything inside eventually weighs heavy on your heart. Writing helps me release some of that weight.

What I have learned is this: people who are comfortable with their actions usually do not spend much time worrying about whether a story is about them. People who see themselves in certain words often become defensive because something struck a nerve. That discomfort belongs to them, not to me. I cannot spend the rest of my life shrinking myself to make others comfortable.

No matter what we do in life, someone will criticize it. Some people will misunderstand us, and some will judge us. Some will create a version of us in their minds that has nothing to do with who we really are. We cannot control that. What we can control is whether we continue living authentically or whether we allow fear of critics to silence us.

I have spent nearly 6 decades living, loving, raising kids, becoming a grandmother, surviving heartbreak, carrying grief, juggling responsibilities, and learning lessons the hard way. They gave me feelings and I have every right to express them. 

My words are not written out of hatred or anger, they are written out of honesty. And honestly, at this stage in my life, I no longer feel the need to apologize for having a voice.

Obviously, I am not trying to win the approval of people, but of God. If pleasing people were my goal, I would not be Christ’s servant (Galatians 1:10)