Faithful, But Weary

                 

 There are seasons when stress comes in waves, and then there are seasons where it feels like every wave crashes at once. Usually I handle stress pretty well. Over the years, life has taught me how to juggle hard things, work, family, caregiving, grief, schedules, responsibilities, and disappointments. I have learned how to keep moving even when life feels heavy. Lately the pile just keeps getting bigger.

Mike is facing a major decision regarding his health and future, and while it is ultimately his choice, he wants my input. That alone feels enormous because when you love someone deeply, you carry the weight of their uncertainty too. You want to help make the “right” decision when there may not even be a clear, right answer.

At the same time, there is the ache of a broken relationship with someone I love. Anyone who has walked through relational heartbreak knows how emotionally exhausting it is. It lingers in your thoughts during the day and follows you into the quiet hours of the night.

Then came two deaths in the family within days of each other. Grief has a way of draining you emotionally even when life still expects you to show up, smile, work, function and keep moving forward. While carrying all that personally, I’ve also been grieving professionally. A dear friend was unfairly transferred to another school. Another dear friend is being let go by the district without reason other than budget cuts. Instead of cutting the newest hire in the same position, they chose someone who has faithfully dedicated 23 years of her life to students and staff. A woman who showed students both accountability and grace. A woman who remained professional no matter what. A woman who kept working after losing her husband because staying busy helped her survive the grief. A woman who planned to retire in another year or two, but still loved what she did because she loves the kids and the relationships she has built over the decades. Watching someone like her be discarded before she was ready to go, is heart breaking.

It’s hard not to feel or become cynical. Hard not to feel angry when those who pour their blood, sweat, and tears into their jobs can be tossed aside while others skate by doing the bare minimum. The favoritism becomes impossible to ignore. We hear speeches about being valued. We hear that “the children come first.” Yet some of the people who make the biggest difference are treated as expendable.

Maybe that’s what hurts the most, realizing how replaceable people can seem to those making decisions far above us.

Meanwhile, my body is screaming what my heart is trying to suppress. The stress is showing up physically now. Hives, chest pain, sleepless nights where I wake up and my mind immediately starts racing again. No matter how exhausted I am, my brain refuses to rest. 

On top of everything else, I’m deeply worried about friends I love. One is trying to survive life with a husband who has apparently lost his mind. Another is watching her adult child battle severe alcoholism. Another fighting for custody of her grand kids who are living with parents who are addicts, possibly dealers and living in a house with no running water. When you care deeply about people their pain affects you too. I know everyone has struggles. I know I’m not alone in carrying burdens. The world is heavy for a lot of people right now, but lately I’m really feeling the weight of my own. Despite all this, I have not lost my faith. I still trust God.

I still believe God is present in the middle of heartbreak, injustice, grief, uncertainty, and exhaustion. Faith doesn’t necessarily erase stress. Trusting God doesn’t mean we never feel overwhelmed. Sometimes it simply means we keep placing one trembling foot in front of the other while believing he is still holding us together. 

Right now I don’t have neat answers or a polished ending. I just know that I’m tired. Emotionally, mentally and physically tired. But I also know this, God has carried me through every hard season before this one, and he will carry me through this one too. Maybe not by removing every burden immediately,  but for giving strength for one more day… and then another.

“Cast all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you.” ~ 1 Peter 5:7


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