Even If

                

Lately the song “Even If” by Mercy Me has been speaking directly to my heart. Some songs are just songs, but others just hit you, no matter where you are. This one has wrapped itself around my weary heart more times than I can count these last few weeks. There is one line that especially gets me every single time: “I know you’re able and I know you can….” That line reminds me that God can calm the storm, heal the hurt, fix the brokenness, restore relationships, and carry us through every impossible situation. But the part that follows is what truly challenges my faith:

“But even if you don’t…”

Even if the answers don’t come the way I hope. Even if the pain stays longer than I want. Even if life continues to feel heavy. Even if I don’t understand. God is still God, and he is still good.

Faith is easy when prayers are answered quickly and life feels manageable. Faith becomes much harder when you’re emotionally exhausted and carrying burdens that seem to keep piling up. Lately overwhelmed feels like the best word to describe where I am.

Mike is still weighing the odds of the decision he will make regarding back surgery, and as much as it is ultimately his choice, I carry the emotional weight of worrying about him, wondering what the future will look like, and praying for wisdom. Watching someone you love suffer is heartbreaking in ways words can’t fully explain.

Then there is grief. Losing Dave and Frank recently has been hard. Sometimes loss comes one wave at a time, and sometimes it feels like a tsunami. Grief has a way of sneaking into quiet moments, ordinary routines, and memories you didn’t expect to hurt so much.

Work has also been weighing heavily on my heart. Things are changing, and I suspect next year is going to look very different. Change isn’t always bad, but that doesn’t mean it’s easy. There is sadness in watching people leave, positions disappear, and routines you’ve known for years suddenly shift into something unfamiliar.

Then there are my dreams, when I am carrying a lot of stress, I tend to dream more vividly than usual. For two nights in a row I have dreamt about Oscar (my dog) dying. I think anyone who has loved a pet, understands that fear. I still am not fully over losing Cooper and Coal, I don’t know that I ever will be. Pets become part of our everyday lives, part of our comfort, part of our family. Losing them leaves an ache that people sometimes underestimate.

Add in a few other personal struggles that I keep mostly tucked quietly inside my heart, and some days it feels like my emotions are hanging on by a thread. Yet somehow, through all of it, the song keeps reminding me that faith is not dependent on circumstances.

Faith says: I will trust God even when I am hurting. I will trust him even when I am afraid.  I will trust him even when I’m emotionally exhausted, and I will trust him even when life feels uncertain.

That doesn’t mean pretending everything is ok. It doesn’t mean ignoring grief, fear, or stress. It simply means believing that God is still present in the middle of all of it.

Sometimes worship is not loud praise with hands lifted high. Sometimes it’s simply whispering, “Lord, I still trust you.” Or as it says in Casting Crown’s song Praise you in the storm… “I say amen, but it’s still raining.” That is where I have been lately. Just holding on. Praying even though I’m feeling overwhelmed. Trying to keep my eyes focused on God instead of the storms around me.

Maybe that is enough for today, because even if life does not unfold the way I hope, I know that I am not walking through it alone.

“Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the lord your God goes with you; He will never leave you or forsake you.” ~ Deuteronomy 31:6

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