The Battle Between Anger and Grace

                  

 There are days when being a Christian feels natural, and then there are days when it feels like work. Not because I don’t love God. Not because I don’t want to do the right thing. It’s because my human heart feels something completely different than what my faith calls me to show. Sometimes what I feel is anger. Not petty anger or selfish anger, but the kind that rises up when you see good, faithful, dependable people treated unfairly. When you watch people who show up, do the right thing and stay loyal get over looked, misunderstood, or disrespected. 

There is something especially painful about watching truth get buried under assumptions. About seeing one opinion accepted as fact without anyone stopping to ask questions. Without anyone caring enough to really understand what actually happened.

To be honest, sometimes I don’t struggle with loving strangers. I struggle with loving people I feel should know better.

That’s the part we don’t always talk about in Christian circles. We talk about kindness and forgiveness, and about turning the other cheek. We don’t always talk about how hard it is to live those things when your heart is saying “this isn’t right and this isn’t fair.”

I’m learning that Christian love isn’t the absence of those feelings it’s what we choose, despite those feelings. It’s choosing to not let bitterness take root. It’s asking God to guard your words when you could easily defend yourself or the person who is being treated unjustly. It’s trusting that God sees what people misunderstand. It’s believing that character speaks louder over time than lies and accusations ever will.

Maybe that’s the hardest part. Remembering that God is not asking me to approve of wrong behavior. He’s asking me not to become hardened by it. There is a difference.

I can dislike injustice without becoming unkind. I can feel hurt or angry without being cruel . I can want the truth without tearing someone else down. Some days I do this well, somedays I have to pray a lot before I can even get close.

Grace sounds beautiful in devotionals, but in real life, grace sometimes looks like staying quiet when you could argue your case. Walking away when you could prove your point. Trusting God to defend what you wish you could fix yourself. Maybe this is what God keeps teaching, that integrity isn’t proven when everything is fair, it’s proven when it isn’t. Maybe real Christian love isn’t proven when it’s easy to give. Maybe it’s proven when everything in you wants to withdraw it.

Guess I’m still learning. Learning that God sees the full story even when people only hear pieces of it. Learning that truth doesn’t need panic to survive. Learning that my job is faithfulness, not controlling the outcomes. Maybe most of all learning that sometimes, the most Christian thing I can do is ask God to Help me love like him, because right now I’m not feeling it.

Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love.” ~Ephesians 4:2

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