The Quiet Courage of Staying.

Been thinking a lot about a friend who is facing many of the things I have faced while dealing with Mike’s illnesses. It’s been a long, hard road that I have written about many times, the ups and downs, the burdens and blessings, the well intended advice, all of it. 

My friend’s similar journey started about 2-3 years ago, when her husband had a stroke. Physically, he has recovered well, but mentally, he’s very unpredictable. He argues about everything, is very dismissive and argumentative of her advice or ideas. Insists on continuing to drive when he has had an accident and several times couldn’t remember where he left his car. He spends money foolishly and isn’t the doting father he used to be to their daughter. All these things cause stress and worry for my friend, but the biggest worry is that he doesn’t follow his doctor’s advice, he has diabetes and high blood pressure, yet drinks alcohol and eats poorly. As for their relationship, he doesn’t treat her the way a wife should be treated. From the outside looking in, he takes her for granted and doesn’t respect her in any way, how hard she works, how she does everything (like a single mother) for their daughter. She works 3 jobs, goes to school and takes care of all his needs as well as the household needs. She is young and beautiful, inside and out and he has no idea what he has in her and how blessed he is.

I have talked to her some, so she will know that there are others like me who understand exactly what she is going through. She is not alone. The circumstances are different, but many of the feelings she has and the load she carries are very much like mine have been, especially in the beginning. Things for me have changed over time, probably because of mine and Mike’s acceptance of all the changes in our situation. I don’t have as many of the feelings as I had in the beginning of our journey, such as anger, sadness and hopelessness, but I do remember what it felt like and I understand this part of the journey my friend is on. I still feel stressed, sometimes mentally and physically exhausted, uncertain and scared, but I also have a strong faith in God who has been with us every step of the way. Mike and my relationship has changed in many ways because of our circumstances, but in many ways it has changed for the better, has grown in ways we didn’t think it would. I know my friend has a long road ahead of her, but I pray she too can find faith, trust God and I hope he will give her a peace that surpasses all understanding.

Some people on the outside looking in, think she should leave him. I don’t think anyone would blame her if she did. Although his mental state has changed since his stroke, he does know he doesn’t treat her the way she deserves to be treated. He is difficult. Staying when the person she loves is still alive but no longer the same. Staying when the decisions being made don’t make sense to her, or to anyone watching from the outside. Staying when advice comes easily to others because they don’t have to live with the consequences of it.

People often speak of leaving as courage, and sometimes it is. But staying also requires courage, the quieter kind that shows up every morning and keeps choosing responsibility over relief.

Staying can be about love, but it can also be about the child or children  who deserve stability. About a culture that taught a person loyalty long before independence. It could be about vows that feel heavier now than they did when they were first spoken, and it could be about knowing that walking away wouldn’t actually bring the peace others promise it will. 

From the outside, staying is easy to critique. From the inside it is layered with grief, obligation, hope, anger, exhaustion and a deep sense of this is mine to carry.

Staying doesn’t mean she is in denial or she doesn’t see the problems. It doesn’t mean she excuses what’s wrong. It doesn’t mean she hasn’t imagined another life.

It means she is navigating an impossible situation with the information, values and love she has and that deserves understanding, not pressure. Staying is not weakness, denial or ignorance, it’s endurance. Sometimes staying isn’t forever, it’s for now. For this moment when walking away could cost more than it heals.

If she is staying and everyone around her is telling her to leave, I hope she knows this, she is not foolish, she is not trapped because she is incapable. She is not failing because she chooses differently than others would.

She is doing the hard, unseen work of holding things together in a way that only she can understand and I believe God sees staying, even when it’s costly, unseen and misunderstood.

“The lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit” ~Psalm 34:18