The Weight I Carry With Him




Sometimes I wonder if people get sick of me writing about Mike’s health. I often hesitate before sharing my feelings on the subject thinking maybe people don’t want to keep hearing about it. Maybe it sounds repetitive, maybe people are sick of hearing the same struggles from blog post to blog post. But the truth is, this is my life, my blog and my stress relief. If my readers are tired of it, they can choose not to continue to follow my blog. 

I know not every post will be light hearted or full of encouragement and faith. I mean, I never lose my faith completely, I’d be lost without it, but to be honest, some days, my faith grows weary. Some days I will simply write about my honest and raw feelings. Sometimes I feel like writing helps me breathe through the heavy concerns that weigh on my mind and my heart.
Last night my heart ached, watching how much pain he was in. There is never a day without pain for him, but some days are worse than others. Last night was one of those bad nights and today I’m still carrying the concern with me. What makes it harder is having to be at work while he’s home alone in pain. My mind drifts all day, wondering if he’s ok, if he’s getting worse, does he need me? The guilt and concern never stops.
It’s hard to put into words the helplessness I feel when I can’t take the pain away. I can rub pain reliever creams on his back, or suggest other things to help, but nothing seems to help enough. His body carries more pain than most can imagine, and some days it’s just overwhelming. Some days his moaning and groaning is louder and more frequent and I feel myself getting irritated because it makes me nervous. Sometimes I get impatient and ask him if he is trying to get my attention? Most of the time, I don’t think he even realizes the noises he makes or how loud he is because he is just so consumed by his pain. Sometimes I just go to my room because I can’t take it, but then I feel like a jerk for trying to escape it, knowing he never can.

If you’re still reading this, thank you. If you pray for us, thank you and please continue to. I truly believe it is prayer that gets us through every day and in every set back of this journey.

I need to remember to: 
“Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.” Romans 12:12

“Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.” Galations 6:2

“Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.” 1 Peter 5:7

Comments

  1. Mike and DonnaSeptember 6, 2025 at 4:55 AM

    Praying for you both, it's a lot to carry and the Lord is with you through each step of the way. ❤️

    Isaiah 40:28-31 ESV
    [28] Have you not known? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He does not faint or grow weary; his understanding is unsearchable. [29] He gives power to the faint, and to him who has no might he increases strength. [30] Even youths shall faint and be weary, and young men shall fall exhausted; [31] but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.

    https://bible.com/bible/59/isa.40.28-31.ESV

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

When Caring Becomes Too Much: Recognizing and Coping With Caregiver Burnout

Image
  I am writing about this topic because writing helps me reduce my stress. I know although I feel alone in this journey sometimes, I am not, so I’m hoping by writing about it, I will help others to feel understood and validated. I have written a blog post in the past about living with someone with chronic illness, this post will be similar to that, but more on the feelings of burn out. I think like me, many care takers don’t vent or talk about their feelings as much as they probably should. I can only speak for myself but I suspect that there are probably many who feel the same way. Most of the time I don’t say how I’m really feeling because I don’t want to sound like a complainer. Besides, do people really want to know how I am feeling? Probably not. Sort of like how the majority of people ask “how are you?” In passing, but they really don’t want to know, they are just being polite. If they really wanted to know, they wouldn’t ask when passing by, they’d ask when they planned on s...
Read more

Another Day, Another Procedure and a Whole Bunch of Feelings

Image
  Another day spent at Portsmouth Hospital with Mike. Today he had a Fistulagram also known as a Fistulography. It’s an imaging test where they insert a needle and dye and do some imaging to make sure the fistula in his arm is working properly before they can remove the Central Venous Catheter (CVC) which he has had since February. Since Mike has stage 5 kidney disease, this Fistula is a life line for dialysis. He did well during the procedure, even though there was a lot of pressure and discomfort. The test showed that he had scar tissue built up from a previous antibiotic picc line, so they had to open it up with a balloon. He was in the operating room for about an hour and in recovery for another hour. Starting Tuesday, the nurse’s at the dialysis center will try using the arm Fistula for the next 3 sessions. Once it is proven to be working properly, an appointment will be scheduled to get the CVC removed from his chest. He can’t wait to get rid of that thing.  Another upda...
Read more

Update in the Michael Health Chronicles

Image
  As I posted on Friday, Mike’s dialysis fistula placement surgery went well. He had a bit of a tough weekend. Dialysis on Saturday was a bit rough between the fatigue and pain from the surgery the day before. We are grateful it all went well though, a step in the right direction. But, in true Mike fashion, it’s one step up and two steps back. On Saturday we got notice from Lahey Clinic saying that Mike will not be put on the kidney transplant list at this time, as we suspected but it’s still disappointing. After all the tests he went through, his team of doctors determined that he is too high risk at this time and would more than likely, not survive the surgery. He is still considered fragile and has to continue to gain some strength back as well as get his broken back fixed. They will retest everything and reassess in January.  We will not give up, we still trust God’s plans for us no matter what they are. The winds have changed a bit so we must adjust the sails. With school...
Read more