Curve Balls and Confusion

 

Life has a way of pitching us curve balls when we least expect it. Although Mike has had many health issues for many years, we have adjusted to most of it. Lately our days (and nights) look a bit different than they use to and I figured I’d share an update from our little corner of the world.

Our life has often been dictated by the level of pain Mike is in on a certain day, but our new normal centers around his all around health. He just has so much going on. Going to dialysis 3 times a week has been a major adjustment for us and a visiting nurse on the non dialysis days, also 3 days a week. Squeezing in doctor’s appointments. On top of all that, between home care and the wound care center, we’ve been dealing with the stubborn diabetic ulcer on the bottom of his foot.  He’s been on 2 antibiotics for it, and it gets cleaned daily and dressing changed by either the visiting nurse or myself. As of now, it is still slowly improving. His broken back and pain makes mobility a daily challenge. The pain and medication understandably takes its toll. Not just physically, but mentally. Confusion has crept in on top of everything else and it breaks my heart in ways words can’t fully express. His physical appearance breaks my heart as well. He is only sixty-one years old but has shrunk so much and is so hunched, he often says he feels like he’s ninety. To think about when he was taller than me, his arms and chest more defined, he would envelop me in hugs that felt like a snuggly, warm blanket. It’s so hard to see him disintegrating (for the lack of a better word) before my eyes.

Yesterday, for the first half of the day was good, uneventful. It was windy and cold and rainy, a perfect day to chill. We watched some tv together. I cleaned the wound on his foot and bandaged it and put clean socks on him. He prepped supper, cutting peppers and onions and cooking sausages in the air fryer. I went to the craft room to make a few cards. Within ten minutes, I could hear Mike vomiting and then moaning, and at times yelling out in pain. I came out to see what happened, He said “I don’t know, I just got sick and puking wrenched my back”. He had me put some lidocaine patches on his back, got settled back in his chair and I went back to crafting. After awhile I came back to the living room. He told me supper was ready and asked me to get his for him. I did and got my own. As soon as I sat down, he took a bite of his and went right back to puking. Needless to say, supper wasn’t so appetizing. I went in the bedroom and shut the door, I couldn’t eat and listen to the sounds of him vomiting. He waited a bit and was able to eat and hold it down. I just shook my head and thought “another day in the life”.

As his wife, caregiver and advocate, I wear many hats. Some days are better than others, but some days I feel my patience running out, and then I feel guilty for becoming annoyed. I know he doesn’t want to be as sick or as needy as he is. He apologizes a lot and that bugs me even more because I don’t feel he has done anything wrong and has nothing to apologize for. 

This assignment is hard but I don’t regret my “in sickness and in health vow”, As hard as some days are, I am grateful for each day we still have together. I’m trying to take things moment by moment. I’m trying to give myself some grace. I can’t come and go as I used to, being gone a lot for work is too much but there is no choice. When I’m not working, I’m needed at home. Last week I even had to cancel babysitting because he was too sick to be left alone. I felt terrible, not only because I look forward to seeing the grandkids and they also enjoy seeing me, but my daughter in law had to leave work early and stay home, so her well deserved night out got ruined. 

Yesterday, I spent some time doing crafts, just to relieve some stress and step away even if only in another room for a little while. Not that we went out often or anything, but I do miss seeing my friends outside of work, I especially miss my kids and grandkids. I realize they have busy lives, who doesn’t? But it is hurtful that some of them don’t take the time for a visit once in awhile when everyone of them know I’d drop just about anything for them. 

Although this journey feels very isolating, I know I’m not alone in it. So many are caring for loved ones while juggling their own health, emotions and responsibilities too. I hope by sharing my struggle in all this will be helpful to others in the same boat. There is no manual for this kind of journey, I mean there are self help or advice type books, but no manual for each individual’s feelings, the good, bad and the ugly. It just takes a lot of love, perseverance and a whole lot of prayer.

Even though I miss some of the things I may have taken for granted, this new life of ours is still a life. It may be a hard one, but we are still living it together, hand in hand, even on the hardest days and that, I am thankful for.

If you are reading this and are going through something similar, feel free to reach out. I can be a listening ear, a shoulder to cry on, a prayer partner or just a laugh. I get it, and you’re not alone.