Rainy day & Monday feels!

 

Woke up this morning exhausted, rolled over to watch Mike’s belly rise and fall, just to make sure he was still breathing, as I do every morning, thanking God that he was. Went through the motions of my morning routine, taking care of Oscar and getting myself ready for work. Now I’m at work, watching my student participate in gym. Watching him having fun with his peers brings me an occasional smile, but at the same time, I’m not feeling like myself. Yes, I’m tired, but it’s more than that. I feel sad. Not exactly sure why, but I feel like I could cry at the drop of a hat. I feel unsettled, my mind is racing and my stomach is tossy turvy. 

I’m not comfortable about leaving Mike today. He’s been ok for the most part, but last night he was off. He stood at the kitchen sink for a good 15-20 minutes, doing nothing. I finally asked him what he was doing and he said “I don’t know what I’m doing”, he appeared confused. After that, he deboned the turkey from supper and put it away. He said he was coming to bed. He stood in the kitchen seeming to untangle his oxygen tubing. Half way through, he sat in his chair and immediately fell asleep. He didn’t recline or anything, just sat up with tubing in hand and slept. After an hour, I woke him up and asked him to come to bed. Again, he was excessively slow and seemed a bit disoriented. He came in the bedroom, sat on the edge of the bed, again fell asleep and woke up when his phone fell out of his hands to the floor. He finally laid down and fell asleep. At this point it was 1:40 am, it took me awhile to finally fall asleep myself and before I knew it,  my alarm was going off.

His visiting nurse will be popping in to see him today, that makes me feel better that somebody will be laying eyes on him. The only thing that concerns me is that these visiting nurses don’t know him very well so they may not notice the confusion that I do. He’s also not very forthcoming with information because he avoids readmission to the hospital at all costs.

I am not usually what I’d consider a depressed person, but today I’m feeling it. Maybe it’s situational depression or sporadic, whatever it is, I don’t like it. It’s a pending doom feeling that isn’t passing quickly enough for my liking. I’m also feeling a bit isolated. My only “getting out” is going to work. I did get out to my sister’s last week but while I was sleeping these, I somehow tore a ligament in my knee, been in an immobilizer since, between that and the pain, movement is limited. After dropping Mike off at dialysis on Saturday, i went grocery shopping, came home, brought it all in and put away, needless to say, the knee swelled. I went back to pick him up and spent the rest of the day elevating and icing. I was supposed to Watch Lilly & Elijah on Sunday, which would have been a nice reprieve from the norm, but I knew I couldn’t do their stairs or keep up with them with my leg in the brace.

This week on Thursday night, there is a fundraiser for the Molly B foundation. Not only is this cause near and dear to my heart, supporting Molly’s family means so much to me, but I know I won’t be able to make it. 

I did take the time yesterday to make a few cards, I haven’t stepped foot in my craft room in over a month and I thought being creative might help this funk I’m in. It did for a little while but here I am still feeling a bit like the Carpenter’s song ‘Rainy days and Mondays’.

I do have my go to scriptures of encouragement and I know this too shall pass. I guess I was just feeling like venting. Not looking for pity or sympathy or even advice, just wanted to put my feelings in words and hope that whoever reads this, will pause for a minute and pray for Mike to be ok and for me to get out of the head space I’m in. I don’t have time for this.

Have a great day anyone! God bless!