Balancing the Burdens with Gratitude.

 

                                                  Day 25

What a week it has been. Today I think I reached a bit of a breaking point and finally had a bit of a cry for myself. It’s funny how the big things, such as Mike being so ill, I have handled pretty well, but the little things are the things that finally make me want to just give up. No, I will never give up, it’s not an option, but some days it feels like the weight on my shoulders is getting a bit too heavy. Today is one of those days. 

Today we said good bye to my Aunt Norma, just a few weeks ago, we did the same for my Aunt Pauline and just a few months before her, Uncle Lenny. Three very big losses, as well as combining my cousin Kenny’s send off with his dad’s (Uncle Lenny). I also lost two long time friends. I feel like I haven’t even fully grasped or fully grieved my mother who died 17 months ago and my mother in law 6 months ago, so much loss in such a short period of time. 

Almost losing Mike just 2 weeks ago was scary and heart breaking. He is slowly improving but still has a long way to go and quite honestly, I just miss him not being here at home. Since January 2nd until now, he has spent I think 38 days in the hospital and today is day 25 of his latest hospitalization. I’m tired! I said it before, it feels like I’m in the movie Ground Hog Day, Get up, shower, go to work, drive home, to let the dog out, go to second job, go home, let the dog out and feed him, go to the hospital, come home, eat, do dishes, pick up, do laundry, next day, pretty much a repeat except maybe a gas run or a store run in between everything else. 

This week has brought those little annoyances that pile up, some little, such as my glasses broke and are now super glued, then there is the huge ice dam that caused huge problems to my back door which is now frozen shut. That wasn’t enough, when I got home yesterday, I stepped in a puddle in the kitchen, I thought Oscar wasn’t able to hold it in my absence and peed on the floor, nope, wasn’t urine, my kitchen ceiling started leaking. Last night I barely slept, too much on my mind as well as Oscar whining frequently and needing to go out. I got up this morning, came out to the kitchen and saw where the leak was, the ceiling now split a bit on a seam and is sagging. All I could picture is the whole thing caving in. Thankfully while I was at Aunt Norma’s funeral, My sister in law and brother in law came over, shoveled off a big part of my roof as well as letting Oscar out so I didn’t have to stop before going to my second job then the hospital today. Although the ceiling inside is still split and sagging a bit, it’s not leaking. There is no longer a danger of it collapsing with the weight of the snow off. I am so grateful for their help. The back door is still frozen shut, so I will just pray for no fire in the night with only one exit, lol…I know, not funny, but I have to laugh because other wise, I think I’d have a break down. 

With all this chaos and stress, as I said previously, I have handled most of it well. God truly does give me strength to just keep finding the beauty beyond the ashes. Today during Aunt Norma’s service, I cried a little, but what really made me cry (I could have bawled, but I stopped myself) was when we (My sister, 2 brothers and a friend) were just talking and I mentioned that my granddaughter Noelle (my Poppy) is turning 5 tomorrow. Even typing it now, the tears are streaming. I miss my Poppy girl so much, and I hate because of the circumstances, I can’t be with her in Florida as I had planned to be this weekend, celebrating her birthday with her. 

Anyway, I’m just tired, both emotionally and physically. I am grateful for a decent visit with Mike tonight, a video call so he and Lilly could talk. Seeing her and Elijah truly lifted his spirits. Paying attention to what Lilly was telling us and seeing her excitement when showing us her new toy her Aunt Ashley gave her, made him forget about his pain for a moment. Grandchildren truly are the best medicine. He felt the same way the other night after texting with out oldest grandchildren, Collin & Delaney too, it made his night. Tomorrow when I visit, I will bring my iPad so we can FaceTime the birthday girl as well as Britton and Finnley. 

I am grateful for my in-laws helping with the money pit (my house) and for all the people who have sent cards to Mike, those who have visited him, a very special ‘gift on loan’ as a way of having one of his bffs with him. I’m grateful for some coworkers for a generous gift card to a local restaurant to ease the burden of cooking when I just want to grab a meal on my way home from the hospital, for my boss for my snoopy cup & journal that make me smile everyday and my coworker who made us the endearing hug scarves. I love that Mike wears his, not only for the warmth, but for a hug from my “hands” each time he gets dialysis. I’m grateful for My “other parents”, Gary & Sheila for their gift of gas money, knowing how much driving I’m doing each day, for my Amy for a cute little friendship bracelet, and some turtle gear (I love turtles). Most of all I am grateful for all the people who have prayed and continue to pray for Mike and me. This is a hard road, during a tough winter but your prayers, our faith and our God are sustaining us through it all.

Thank you too for all of you that are reading this unorganized, rambling blog. I appreciate the support.

Hope you all have a great weekend! 


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