A Bridge can still be built, while the bitter waters are flowing beneath.

Funny how death can bring out the best and the worst in people. Sometimes the grief felt is what forges a bond or a reconciliation in people and at the same time, the grief can pull a family apart. Since my mother in law passed away, I have seen so many emotions and deep feelings in my husband Mike. Many feelings he kept suppressed for years. I think it was easier for him to ignore his feelings or just feel anger as a way to protect himself from the real feelings of hurt. In his adulthood, Mike purposely stayed away from most of his family by choice. He didn’t want our children around such dysfunction. Sadly because of that sacrifice, we missed out on knowing some of our nieces & nephews from a young age and now they are adults. One niece, we had never lost touch with and another niece came to us a little over 10 years ago, explaining that she too got away from the dysfunction and she wanted a relationship with us, expressing her sadness on all the years she had missed with us.  Obviously we welcomed her as well as her family. We never did blame the kids for the separation and family feuds. We saw a lot of the dysfunction in her, but we also saw or thought we saw her truly trying to break free of it. Doing better for the kids she “rescued” from their supposed addicted mother. We know now those kids went from one dysfunctional mother to another. We saw many things she did for Mike’s mom but as time went on, I became suspicious. Working as a nurse’s aide for over thirty years and working in the school system as well has taught me many things. I have learned to see the signs of elder & child abuse, whether it be a physical, neglect or mental. Mike’s mom had already lost relationships for many years with some of her children and grandchildren and she clung on to those she still had, even at her own detrimental expense. Sadly, over time, I saw that that two of the relatives she trusted most, her granddaughter & her son, were manipulating her, stealing from her and convincing those who would listen, that she had dementia and other diagnosis’ that she didn’t actually have. Other than repeating herself of stories of the past, she was as sharp as a tack once her medicine was locked up and administered by a visiting nurse. Mike & I had never lost touch with his mom. Although she was one to take in moderation because of her own abruptness, she softened over the years. Her eyes opened and she saw a lot of things she had turned a blind eye to. She wanted to believe and see the best in all of her children and grandchildren, often making excuses for their negative choices. I have realized that the bottom line is, she just wanted to be loved by those she loved. Due to her own dysfunctional upbringing, she wasn’t quite sure how to do achieve that. She often lived in a state of denial, believing her loved ones were without fault or blame and those from the outside (spouses, significant others, non-biological children etc) were the enemy.

 Over the years, despite the lies she had been told by those she trusted, she saw for herself that I truly loved her son and I truly loved her and wanted what was best for both of them. I think it’s a shame that she didn’t know our children or our grandchildren but Mike and I had to do what we felt was best to protect our kids from what potentially could have hurt them. A few years before Jeannette died, we gave her a picture of ourselves, our children and the grandchildren we had at the time. I will never forget how her eyes sparkled and widened, eyebrows raised and her mouth opened, she pointed at each person in the picture, smiled, looked at Mike and said “that’s your family”, he said “yup”, she looked at the picture again, looked up at Mike and said “and they all love you?” And he said “yes, and I love them too.” The look on her face is something I will never forget, it was then that I could see true love and happiness for her son. He had the love for and from family that she felt she never really had. 

Over twenty years has gone by since we have had a relationship with Mike’s sister. Over those twenty years, there were a lot of assumptions, mistakes, rumors and chaos from all parties, to stop any kind of reconciliation. However in the year or so leading up to Jeannette’s death, I started seeing some holes in the stories his niece was telling us. She told us that her mother (Mike’s sister) was on her death bed from drug addiction. Although we hadn’t seen or spoken to his sister other than a brief encounter a year or two before when their brother died, Mike obviously was very upset to think his sister was dying. He often said “I miss the old Lisa, she was always cool, we were so close”, she also told us about her step father’s brain injury, which there is some truth to, he had had an accident years ago and did suffer a traumatic brain injury, which has caused debilitating headaches, unsteadiness and other physical issues, but she basically had us believing that he was just a headache away from being a vegetable. She told us because of their conditions, she was going to start proceeding to fight for guardianship for her “non-verbal” autistic brother, who could in no way fend for himself. Fast forward to Jeannette’s hospitalization and death. We were not notified until she had been hospitalized for a few days, initially being alert and oriented, we missed out on that precious time because by the time we were notified, she was unresponsive. In the days that followed, we started speaking to Lisa for the common goal of coming together to do right by their mom, to honor her final wishes. Once we started talking, we compared notes so to speak on the lies we had been told. Lisa and Terry were healthy. There may be some truth to addiction of the past, I don’t know and it’s not my business, but I do know, Lisa has not in anyway been on her death bed due to drugs. Just another lie that caused Mike unnecessary stress and I’m sure his mother as well. As for our “non-verbal”, autistic nephew, yes he does have autism, but he is in no way non verbal. He is a bright, intelligent, sweet & funny young man (with a killer mustache, lol). We finally had the chance to meet him again yesterday, he is now 26, I think the last time we saw him, he was 2 or 3. Mike hasn’t stopped talking about their visit, their conversation, the love Niko and our dog Oscar instantly had for each other. Finally, a gift for Mike of a potential relationship with the nephew he never got to know. It means so much to both of us. When Mike gabs so much, you can’t get a word in edgewise, he is passionate about the subject. This is how he was last night after Niko left our house. Mike and I are hoping a relationship will develop with his 2 other nieces who we have not known since their preteen years, but we are taking it slow and not pushing. We want them to decipher between what they were told about us during their lives, what is true and what are lies. The Bible says “the truth will set us free”(John 8:32) which means by knowing and accepting the truth, we can be liberated from the burdens of deception, lies and guilt, leading to a sense of inner freedom.  Mike & I believe if they are interested, they too will figure out what is what. Previously I had stated that some relationships were impossible to mend but then this scripture popped into my head, “with God, all things are possible” (Matthew 19:26)

Continuing conversations between four of us, we continue to discover that the scheme of Mike’s niece has been in motion for many years, her goal was to divide the family and she succeeded. I believe the motive was to do exactly what she did, steal from, manipulate and use her grandmother. Shame on us for being naive enough to not see it sooner. She even professed to have become a born again Christian, her husband supposedly studying to be a minister, all while continually dividing the family with her lies, stealing, and abusing her elderly grandmother. She even took phone numbers out of her grandmother’s phone so that she couldn’t reach us and other family members, if that’s not a form of controlling abuse, I don’t know what is. The picture I mentioned earlier, she put in a drawer, when we asked Jeannette about it, she said “I don’t know what happened to it”, we found it hidden in a drawer and Jeannette was thrilled all over again. We also got her 2 dry erase boards because she was very hard of hearing, and it helped her company communicate with her, both went missing. Both her son and granddaughter who were supposedly taking care of her, very rarely visited her after they dumped her into the worst rated nursing home in the state. When we visited, we looked back at the sign in book and some visits were months apart by both of them. My only regret was not realizing all of it sooner. I think she knew more of what was happening with some of her under breath comments and expressions but sadly, she allowed it because she would rather have them abuse her than to not be in her life at all. That was often a threat. 

The other niece I spoke of earlier has now become a victim of the manipulation and lies and has chosen to sever her relationship with me completely and with Mike for the most part. It’s sad, but she is an adult and it is her choice. She pulled some underhanded crap during the days after Jeannette’s death as well, she tried to say she was looking out for Mike’s best interest (like I wasn’t?), and he’s a full grown man who makes his own decisions. She knows she was duped by her cousin’s lies, she knows Mike and I have never done her wrong, yet her pride is bigger than her unsaid apology and need to admit she wronged us. I did have more faith in the relationship I thought we had, I truly believe Mike and I have been a consistent in her life, but sometimes stuff happens and it’s a wake up call, realizing that we don’t mean as much to people we thought we meant a lot to. Funny at our ages, we are continuously learning and seeing the true colors of so many. As I wrote in a previous blog, we”ll proceed with caution. I truly hope Mike wont be hurt again, but I know reuniting with those he loves, has been a gift to him. I know as the lies and deceits continue to come to light, he gets worked up and stresses, which is so unhealthy for a man in his condition, but I can only trust that he will focus on the positives of the reconciliations that are happening. Sadly because of all the stress inflicted by the games of his brother & niece, he hasn’t really even grieved his mom yet, he’s too angry and hurt for her and what she went through, even after her death and their lack of respecting her wishes and pocketing the money that she had set aside for her wishes to be fulfilled. How people live with themselves is beyond me. I just pray that they some how grow a conscience and truly get right with God because otherwise, it will all come back to them, it’s the way life works. What goes around, comes around.