From Helpless to Hopeful

At the young age of 19, I became a mother, although the age and inexperience set me up for years of struggle, I felt blessed with the gift of being a mom. I never truly knew what it felt like to love someone unconditionally, but this perfect, blue eyed, beautiful little girl that God gifted me, taught me what loving someone more than myself, was all about. She became the reason I breathed, the reason I smiled and, the reason I cried. My purpose on this earth was to be her mom. 

Through the years, with much growth, changes, victories and mistakes, I was blessed with 3 more perfect babies. Why God chose me to be their mom is beyond me, but I am forever grateful that he did. All four of them deserved a better mother. I did the best I could at the time and my love for them never wavered but, I have made many mistakes and decisions that ultimately hurt them in one way or another, but God knew and knows that none of the mistakes that I’ve made, were to intentionally harm them in any way. I am still growing and learning and trying to show myself grace, because one thing I’ve learned is that there is no such thing as a perfect parent. There were so many things in their childhood that seemed traumatic at the time, from child birth complications to a heart monitor for SIDS risk, asthma, epilepsy, stitches, broken bones and several other things that come with childhood. In every milestone though, I was there, I was their biggest comforter and their biggest cheerleader. I’ve learned along the way that no matter how much I loved my children, I couldn’t protect them from everything. This world is full of sin and sickness and sadly, no matter how hard a mother tries, eventually their child is exposed to it.

I think one of the hardest things I have faced in being a mother was watching my second daughter go through a traumatic experience and not being able to fix it for her. She had given birth at just 25 weeks gestation. This little boy who made me a Grammy for the first time, was another amazing gift from God, but at 25 weeks, he was in for the struggle of his life. I knew the unconditional love my daughter had when she looked at her precious little miracle., but, I also saw the fear and pain in her eyes of feeling helpless. There was nothing she could do to make him better, she had to rely on God, our prayers, the skilled doctors, nurses and the whole incredible NICU team. This was one of the hardest things I had faced up until that point in my life, to see my daughter hurting and not being able to fix it. I cried for her and prayed more than I ever had. I did all the things I could think of to help her, helping with groceries and bills, errands, feeding her cat, changing the cat box, whatever I could think of, but the one thing I couldn’t do, was fix it. 

Another hard time was when my son had made a huge mistake and almost lost all he cared about. He was hurting terribly due to his own mistakes and as much as I wanted to comfort him and help him make it right, I couldn’t. I had to be honest with him and not tell him “it’s ok”, what he had done was not ok and his pain was the consequence for his actions. It was a lesson he had to learn on his own. Again, all I could do is pray. My youngest went through a hard time saving his dog’s life. Doesn’t sound as traumatic as some of the other things, but it was to him. I was able to help a little with the vet bills and again pray, but I couldn’t take away the sadness and fear my son was feeling for his beloved Buddy.

Now here I am on Columbus Day 2024, I’m sitting here writing this blog and just finished praying once again for my daughter, my son in law and my three beautiful grandchildren, Noelle, Britton and Finnley. Just 5 days ago, a hurricane destroyed their home and left them homeless. I am 1,376 miles away from them and again, feeling helpless. I have done all I can do, sharing their story, getting donations to help and countless hours of praying both for their needs and to praise God for keeping them safe. Again, even though my first baby is almost 39 years old, as her mother, I still feel helpless because I can’t take away her sorrow, her fears and her anxiety. I can’t fix this for her.

Through out all these lessons, I have learned that although I can’t control any of these situations and life events in my children’s lives, there is one consistent, God! I can still continue to pray for all the things I can’t provide, after all, he is their father first. Yes, he blessed me with the gift of being their mom, but he is their creator, he is their hope, he is the great physician, In him they will find peace (John 16:33 & Philippians 4:6-7), It is he that is their refuge and their strength (Psalms 46:1), It is he who will sustain them (Psalm 55:22), It is him that they can trust (Proverbs 3:5-6), It is God who will give them the strength they will need (Isaiah 41:10). 

Through pictures and phone calls, I have seen God’s hand in all of it. Although I sit here and feel helpless at times, I know that God’s got this. He is hearing and answering my and many others prayers. My daughter and her family have been shown so much love, kindness and support through this devastation. Of course it’s going to be a very long road to get back on their feet, to be in a home they can once again call their own, to get back to the security of routine their children have come accustomed to, but, God is with them every step of the way. He has shown them that he can and will use any one to fulfill his plan for them. So although I started this blog entry in tears while praying for my first baby girl, I am ending it with hope and praise and gratefulness for God’s love, faithfulness and consistency in the lives of those who call upon him.

For anyone reading this, I hope you will continue to pray For Nick, Aubrey and the kids and ALL the people who have lost loved ones, pets, homes and hope. God bless you all! ❤️🙏🏻