When the small stuff feels like a mountain.


 The saying is “Don’t sweat the small stuff” and it’s a saying I try to live by, but right now I feel like the small stuff has multiplied and has turned into one humongous pile of suck! I try to laugh every day, thank God for my blessings, wake up every morning with a positive attitude and face the day with good intentions. I pleasantly say “Good morning” to anyone I see. This week however, I let the doom and gloom of others bring me down. I’m hurt, I’m sad, and I’m downright pissed off! The big stuff in my life, I feel God gives me the strength to deal with daily. When the one you love has chronic illness, the small stuff seems so trivial. I think I’m more angry with myself because I have been focusing on the big stuff, and the small stuff piled up quick and snuck up on me.

 It’s my favorite time of year, fall is approaching and everything about fall has always brought me joy. The beautiful New England foliage, pumpkins, cozy clothes, a new school year, beautiful temperatures, but so far this year, I’m struggling to see those things that I enjoy. The weather is still summer like, too hot, which zaps my energy. We are two weeks into the new school year and I’ve approached it as usual in a positive way, embracing the changes we face each year. I have a challenging schedule with 3 heavy duty students, but all three are a blessing to me. Even with their eighth grade, middle school attitudes and sassiness, I truly love working with them. I love being as busy as I am, it makes the day fly by and it keeps me away from the negativity and drama some people bring to the work place, or so I thought. Instead, I have learned that the new role expected of me is to walk on egg shells. Oh what fun it is to not be able to be myself and to watch my back every second, NOT! Apparently some peoples feelings are more important than others…guess this isn’t what they mean by equal opportunity employer, haha.

Having chronic Hemolytic Anemia mixed with insomnia and no answers doesn’t help. I feel like my brain is in a fog. Mike is back in stage 4 kidney disease which scares the crap out of me. His mother’s grave side service is on Monday, just 2 days before the first anniversary of my own mother’s death. I’m sad and I feel like I can’t grieve because my mind is preoccupied by the petty bullshit happening at work and the unnecessary drama some of his family members have brought to an already stressful time. It’s also my great niece’s wedding weekend and instead of celebrating her, I am laying here in tears writing this blog. I didn’t feel comfortable being so far away from Mike for the whole weekend, when he’s not physically doing well. As I stated previously, his kidney failure is in a scary place. I thought I’d be able to get to the wedding for just the day rather than the whole weekend, Mike’s sister offered to be around in case he needed anything, but the person who was just going up for the day and coming back at night, I asked if he could give me a ride and his answer was “no”, without an explanation such as “it’s out of my way” or “I might stay over night” or whatever, just “no”. I don’t expect anything from any one and I guess it’s my own stupidity to think others would be willing to help me the way I’d be willing to help them. I guess treating people the way you want to be treated, doesn’t mean you will be treated the way you treat. 

Many lessons learned this week.

1. My feelings aren’t as important as those in a higher position.

2. Doesn’t matter how hard you work, the negative will always be pointed out above the positive.

3. Some people thrive on drama and chaos even if it hurts somebody else.

4. Grieving sucks!

5. Some people are just cold.

6. No matter how hard you try to enjoy life, eventually the small stuff piles up and suffocates you.

7. I can’t even have these feelings without feeling like a big cry baby myself, the last thing I want is to be a “victim” yet, this blog post makes me sound like one.

8. Don’t write a blog when you feel like crap. 

Solution: Go see your grandchildren this weekend, they are sure to spring you out of this funk!

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