Let your hopes, not your hurts, shape your future.

 

It's funny how the death of a loved one can bring out the best and the worst in people. It's been a very challenging time trying to navigate my own feelings of losing my mother-in-law, a woman I hated to love and loved to hate so to speak. Truth is, I loved her very much. At the beginning of Mike and my relationship, his mother was less than welcoming. I have never really had that problem when meeting new people. I've always been a friendly person and I believe most people like me when they meet me. Over time the relationship between Jeannette and I had good times and bad. It didn't take long for me to see the dysfunction in my inlaws, which consisted of Mike's mother and his siblings. I too come from a big family, with its own dysfunction and we have always had ups and downs from time to time, but the drama, lies, and intentional hurt that this family brought into our lives was on a whole new level and a new experience for me. Both bad and good memories were made. When our kids were little, we celebrated cousin birthdays together, and a few holidays, but as the years went by, it seemed there was more fighting, drama, and dysfunction. Mike and I had to step back and really look at the dynamics of this family and where and if we wanted to be a part of it. Ultimately, we decided it would be healthier for our children and our relationship, to walk away. We never stopped caring about them, but we knew we had to protect our children from being around toxicity. Mike and I never stopped having a relationship with his mom, but we kept her at arm's length and didn't allow her to have too much contact with our kids. We knew then and still know now that it was what was best for them.

The past is the past and if I wanted to write a novel, there is more history than I care to cover. Much of it is he said, she said baloney. There is not one of us in this family who is without fault. We have all wronged each other at some point, in one way or another, by believing lies others told, by name calling, assuming, and making accusations and judgments, some were drug and alcohol abusers, and there were pedophiles, child abuse, spousal abuse, you name it. Needless to say, neither Mike nor I regret making the decision to separate ourselves from the aforementioned. Our children and our nieces and nephews only believed what they were told and sadly, we were not able to create relationships or bonds with them. Cousins were not allowed to grow up together. It's sad, but it was necessary for their own protection. 

Now here we are, our children are grown and have families of their own. Mike and I have been married 30 years and together a few years longer. In more recent years, his family has remained pretty much fractured. He and I did end up building a good relationship with his mom. A few years ago, she really started opening up to us, sharing the pain of her past, her childhood into adulthood, her alcohol addiction, her raising her kids on her own, her decision to place one for adoption, her love and respect for her mother, and her disdain for her father. At first, she blamed others but she finally came to a point of self-reflection and she did take responsibility for a lot of her own mistakes and life choices. She even admitted to me that the reason she hadn't accepted me in the past was because she was jealous of my bond with Mike. She had hoped when he moved back here from Florida, thirty-two-plus years ago, that he would live with her. She also said she had a hard time accepting my honesty and bluntness, which is understandable, a lot of people are uncomfortable with things not being sugar-coated. She finally admitted that Mike and I were good for each other and that she appreciated that I stood by him with his chronic illness. Finally, about 2 years ago, she would reply "I love you too" or "Yes dear, me too" when I told her I loved her.

Sadly, my mother-in-law passed away 3 weeks ago (8/18/24). Since then, the dysfunction in some family members has reared its ugly head and in others, it has brought out goodness we haven't seen in years. I don't think either Mike or I have really grasped the finality of her death. There has been so much chaos and drama around her services, or lack thereof. More secrets and lies among some family members and then some family members have come together for the common goal of wanting to do what's right by their mother/grandmother. 

Mike is having a hard time processing so many emotions he has stuffed deep down inside himself for most of his life and now that his mother has passed, he feels it is time to deal with some things in an attempt to grow and heal. One of the previous, fractured relationships appears to be trying to mend. He has enjoyed the reminiscing of past good times and I think he feels validated to know he is not the only family member to see the injustice surrounding his mom's death. I believe the other party feels the same way. He is proceeding with caution as the trust was broken in the past. He is guarded but hopeful. We know the enemy (Satan) will always cast doubt and will remind us of the pain inflicted on us in the past in an attempt to keep things broken. The one thing Mike always says and believes is before all the pain, dysfunction, fights, and brokenness, the love was there. He says "The love came first", and it did. Because the love was there first, there is hope that this broken relationship can continue to heal and grow stronger. It is always a great feeling and a sigh of relief when we can see God's work where we thought there was no possibility. We know and are told that all things are possible with God (Matthew 19:26).

Some of the other family members are still living in their chaotic, drama-filled, gossipy, selfish, dysfunctional world and that is their choice as it is ours to not be part of it. I can only speak for myself, although I believe Mike feels the same, I will focus on healing, forgiveness, and rebuilding trust, again, the love was there first.

"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds." Psalm 147:3