Seasons of Friendship
* some of the people I talk about in this blog entry are either not referred to by name or their names have been changed for their privacy.
People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.
- Reason- Usually a short time. the purpose is sometimes obvious and sometimes unknown. Once that friendship is no longer part of your life, you can usually reflect on it and see the purpose, the lesson in it, and what each of you was needed for.
- Season- Friendships for a period of time. It usually happens because of common interests such as work (coworkers), school, the same group of friends, or whatever the connection may be once things change such as a job, graduation, marriage, divorce, death of a loved one, or some other life event, the parties of the friendship tend to slowly fade away from each other and eventually, the season ends.
- Lifetime- This friend will always be a part of your life and you in theirs to be part of each other's successes and failures, to love and support each other in good times and bad times. To listen and advise, to mourn with each other, and lift each other up without judgment.
I've had several friendships in all these categories, no matter which of these categories your friendship is in, we all tend to hope they will be lifetime friendships but realistically, lifetime friendships are rare. When a reason friendship is over it may take time to realize what the reason or purpose was. It could be a lesson you needed to learn or one you needed to teach. I believe reason and seasons often morph into one.
Years ago I became fast friends with a coworker. I believe it was real for both of us, both give and take. Our lifestyles differed in several ways, parenting styles, convictions, and things but we truly did love and enjoy each other's company, whether it was the two of us or with our husbands. We were friends for several years before her husband tragically and unexpectedly passed away. He was a dear friend to both Mike and me. When this friend died, Mike was more than supportive when I took time out of work and time away from our home to stay with her around the clock for over a week. Another friend of hers and I went to the funeral home with her to support her when she saw him for the first time since he had died, literally catching her and stopping her from falling when she went weak in the knees as she stroked his hair and looked at his lifeless body. I felt my own grief over his death but my heart actually ached for her and their daughter.
As time went on, months, another year or two, I could feel the separation between us and I wasn't sure what caused it other than my talking to her about my concerns for her excessive drinking and that she allowed her underaged daughter and friends drink and smoke marijuana (before it was legal) under her roof. I truly tried to express my concern out of love as I was worried she would unintentionally hurt herself or one of the kids would get hurt leaving her home in an altered state or at the least, get in trouble with the law. For a short time, I was around this but then I felt convicted as this was not something I would ever do around my own kids nor allow them to be a part of. I guess I felt guilty by association. I felt like if I condoned it, I was compromising my own integrity. Needless to say, as much as I tried to tell her my concerns were out of my love for her and not from a heart of judgment, it didn't go over well. After that, she would often make passive-aggressive comments when in the midst of doing things she knew I didn't agree with. I have always been fairly intuitive with people and it was becoming clear that we were growing apart to the point that I knew her friendship with me had become fake. We had mutual friends and several of them told me some of the things she was saying behind my back. At work, our supervisor told me I was going to be transferred to another building in the fall. I was very upset as I had been in this building with many people I cared about for 12 years. I told her first as she had been one of my closest friends. She had no reaction, no opinion, no expression, or any feeling one would expect. I knew then that she knew of my transfer even before I did. For my own peace of mind, I had to make sure it wasn't just my imagination, that she was backstabbing me, so I tested her. I confidentially told her two different things, both were made up by me and not true. Two weeks later I went in for my annual evaluation with our boss and both things were brought up. I knew then and there that this friendship was over. She had backstabbed me by going to our boss, trying to jeopardize my job. The strangest thing of all was that I really wasn't all that surprised. Although at one time she had meant the world to me, I was truly ok and kind of felt a sense of relief that it was over. When looking back on it then and even now, I believe God put me in her life so that I could be of support when she needed it most. I have no ill feelings for her and I hope she is doing well. I'm ok with that reason or season to be over, I'm at peace with it.
Another friendship I had and truly thought would last a lifetime was with a couple Mike and I hit it off with. We met at a mutual friend's cookout. Which was actually a reunion for Mike and Jack as they had gone to high school together. Jack and I had the same sense of humor and Jill and Mike were more alike in the way of being more reserved. The four of us shared many laughs, double dates, and get-togethers. Usually, when the four of us got together, it often ended up with Jack and me in a conversation and Jill and Mike in a separate one. Jack and I often got into deep, meaningful conversations and easily laughed for hours. There were occasions when I spent time with just Jill and their children, these outings were enjoyable but mostly because of the kids, I adored them. Jill and I were fine, I believe we liked each other but we were very different and the relationship between us didn't necessarily come easy. After a while when we'd hang out, it would usually end up being Mike, Jack, and me outside on the deck while she sat inside playing a game on her phone or watching tv, coming out for an occasional cigarette. I'd go in and strike up a conversation, try to include her in our conversations and laughs, but she distanced herself. Sometimes I felt as if we were bothering her by being there even though Jack invited us. Once when she and I took her kids to the beach, we were walking and watched them splash in the water, she told me I was the only woman she trusted with Jack. "What does that say for Jack?" I asked. She said, "I trust Jack, but women are conniving." I said "Well, it takes two", and she gave me an irritated look. it was awkward.
Jack and Jill both confided in me, he did more than her. Neither one of them seemed content. Their marriage was less than happy. I believe she was afraid to be alone and he just escaped through music, art, and pills. One summer, Jack finally left. He blamed it on her insecurities and lack of trust in him, he said he only stayed as long as he did because of the kids and he hated being away from them. He went home and took care of them while she worked but otherwise stayed at a place by himself at the beach. That summer, he frequently stopped by our house to talk. He expressed how much he hurt to be without his kids but he was miserable with her. He said that he loved her but wasn't in love with her. My advice to him was to really search his own heart and head, to pray about it, and possibly try marriage counseling. I told him if he was going to walk out of their marriage, he owed it to her and himself to be able to walk away knowing he did everything he possibly could to make it work, so he'd have no regrets. I don't know if my advice contributed to them reconciling, but they did and Mike and I were happy for them.
Another year or so went by and things were about the same between all of us, I figured things were going fairly well between them because other than him complaining to me about her insecurities about other women he either worked with or was friends with, they appeared to be ok. One day, Jack told me that we needed to stop texting each other so much, that Jill was bitching about it. I thought he was kidding, all we ever texted to each other was jokes and memes or to make plans for the four of us to get together. A few weeks later. I texted Jill to ask if they wanted to go with Mike and me to see a band. This is how the conversation went;
Jill: "I am surprised you texted me and not Jack."
Me: "Why?"
Jill: "Because you've been stalking my husband",
Me: LOL!
Jill: I don't think it's funny.
I seriously thought she was joking, but she wasn't.
Me: "I knew you were insecure, but now you're just paranoid."
I was so hurt and angry. Anyone who knows me knows not to ever accuse me of something I didn't do. They also know that I love and would never step out on my own husband. Mike was as shocked as I was, he called Jack and had this conversation;
Mike: "Has Sheila ever been inappropriate toward you in any way?
Jack: "Of course not."
Mike: "Then set the record straight!"
Jack: "Hey man, you have to support your wife and I have to support mine."
Mike: "But yours is wrong."
Jack: Yeah, but I have to live with her.
That was it for me. Our friendship ended then and there. I was devastated, not only did I lose a friendship that meant so much to me but Mike and I were robbed of watching their kids who we loved, grow up.
I felt closer to Jack than some of my own siblings. In my heart, he was my brother from another mother. I thought I meant that much to him too, obviously, I didn't. Throughout the years, I have thought of Jack & Jill and as they say, hindsight is 20/20. Although Jill struggles with her insecurities and trust issues, Mike and I have come to realize that Jack fed her insecurities because of his own. He often told her stories of other women looking at him like a piece of meat. I'm willing to bet he lied about me too, acting as if my texting him was excessive or unwanted. That friendship ended about six or seven years ago.
Last year Jack and I bumped into each other several times because of work. We finally sat down and discussed what had happened. He basically blamed all 4 of us, which is really funny. I still can't come up with how Mike played a role in any of it. We heard each other and basically agreed to disagree. he did try to sweep it all under the rug, but I needed him to know how I felt about all of it. We hugged and told each other we missed each other. We still see each other from time to time due to work. when it's just us, we still have some good but often one-sided (his) conversations and a few laughs, however, the damage is done and the relationship feels superficial. It has taken time not to feel sad about this one but knowing what I know now, Jack and Jill are toxic together and Mike and I are better off without the toxicity in our lives.
As for lifetime friendships, I do have a few, one being my sister and others who I am sure know who they are. My sister & I talk several times a week and sometimes every day. Another friend who moved a distance away, I stay in touch through Facebook and we speak on the phone about once a year. Although we are not in each other's daily lives, we both know if we need each other, we are only a phone call away, and on the rare occasion we do get together, it's like no time has passed.
Then there is Betty, we became friends around my junior or senior year of high school. She is not my biological sister but certainly is my family. Sometimes a week can go by in our busy lives without us speaking, but we are never far from each other's minds. We have been through so many life events together. We've supported each other through breakups, and we have both lost a parent and a brother. She also lost a sister. She is my first baby's Godmother and she is Auntie Betty to all my kids and now my grandkids. She's been to pretty much all their birthday parties as they grew up and so many other milestones and events. She comes to family Christmas every year and other family gatherings and I have gone to many of hers. A few years ago I had the honor of standing beside her as her Matron of Honor when she finally married the guy that God designed for her. We laugh together, cry together, and vent to each other. So many memories have been made and I don't tell her enough how grateful I am for her and how I thank God for putting her in my life.
Whatever your friendships are, a reason, a season, or a lifetime, accept them for what they are. Learn from them. Be a blessing to the other party and most of all, enjoy and embrace the ride.
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